Theories on why Derek Fildebrandt will not Unblock me

So we are just over two months into the year and i still have not made a lot of progress into getting Derek Fildebrandt to unblock me. Sure, several people have tweeting at him asking him to unblock me, but for some reason Derek just doesn’t seem to take notice, he must too busy getting absolutely fucking slammed off whiskey after J. Kenny effectively swiped left on grindr. Now I’ve been watching a lot of mindhunter, which means I’m pretty much an expert in psychology and the mind of a sociopath, so just as efficiently as the FBI I decided to investigate some possible theories as to why Derek still has not unblocked me.

1. He doesn’t know how to

It’s very possible that Derek has been blocking people without realizing that he can unblock them, and therefore doesn’t know how. In fairness I also didn’t know how to unblock someone (because I’m not a cruel monster who arbitrarily blocks people and therefore I’ve never had a chance to unblock someone).

In an effort to demonstrate how simple it was to actually unblock someone, I recruited my very good friend on twitter and also real life Adrian to assist me. Adrian and I have been friends for a long time and also went to high school together so i think it was appropriate for me to ask him, like Adrian is the kind of friend who would help you move or maybe lie on the stand for you if you where being charged with some light arson, and needed someone to give you an alibi that you were actually at the Lloyds rollercade at the time of the house burning down so it would be impossible for have liten that fire, and then show a judge a receipt from Lloyds rollercade so that your alibi is air tight. 

Our method was that I would block Adrian on twitter, and then unblock him and see how long that took me to complete. Now before you start getting too concerned, Adrian was fully aware that I was going to block and then unblock him before we conducted the experiment, so as not to cause him surprise and distress if he saw that I blocked him, b/c i know how hurtful i can be to block someone. Don’t worry guys Adrian is safe and we still have a very strong friendship after this, I was only blocking him for scientific purposes. Here’s my video tutorial on how to block and then unblock someone. Please tweet it at derek.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ5fFIT0378

Also i think its a good idea to reach out of my own political sphere about social media logistics, so i decided to get a perspective on twitter politics from the next most famous conservative person i knew; my mom.

Screenshot_20180220-160209

Thank u mom for your helpful contribution.

2. He doesn’t know it is in fact illegal to block me on twitter.

This is highly likely, in fact here’s a list of other things derek doesn’t know is illegal:

  • Killing a deer on someone’s property.
  • Hitting someone’s car and then running away.
  • Using taxpayer money to rent out a property for him to make extra money on.

And for those of you who are sitting behind your screens screaming “oh elaine it’s not illegal to block you on twitter” i think you need to step back and prepare yourselves to be EXTREMELY wrong, just like go read the book of twitter law and you’ll see it in there, “illegal to block elaine on twitter” trust me.


3. It’s a performance art piece

It’s possible that this is some kind of performance art piece about the inaccessibility of politicians to their local constituents, and that it’s very easy for elected officials to simply ignore the cries of the people and thus giving them a scapegoat to act out of ignorance as opposed to maliciously acting against the best interest of the people for one reason or another. Strong case against this tho because im not convinced derek gets irony or humor.

4. Sociopath

Explains itself really.

5. Secretly in love with me.


In fairness everyone is so that really isn’t a great reason.

6. Shot his phone with a gun, no longer able to tweet.

I mean I can’t confirm or deny if he’s tweeting, because as I will remind you, he has blocked me.

7. He thinks I’m referring to the hit smartphone game “unblock me” and not asking him to unblock me on twitter

Tbf i was pretty confused about this too so I reached out to Kira Games about the confusion

kiragames

I can at least attest to unblock being a very fun game, i gave it a 5/5 on the itunes store.